prayers

8-7-10… please make it stop!! please Aslan…wanna make it stop before someone gets hurt! i’ve been on hold with customer service. they keep telling me they’re working on the fix so i can hide and edit and remove…please Aslan. i really don’t know what your intentions were all those years…please just wanna make it stop!

oh God…when i wrote it to her i realized…i told him never to speak to me and “i knew that hurt him.”

that wasnt what i meant…never him…never intentionally hurt…it wasnt purposeful. it wasnt a matter of “what can i do to him to punish”…

it was a choice that had to be made because of their messages. he’s got everything he ever wanted and they were a threat to that. i couldnt have him hurt…not because of me…i couldnt have his girl doubt his love for her.

it was me he never wanted..i’m the one who was never…

when i told him to stop i really thought i was the only one who’d ever truly suffer from it.

i’m sure if it even caused him a moment of anything…he’s over it and has forgotten it and me by now.

(please let him be past the anger and absolute hate of me too)

it’s just that the one who said she’s your aunt…the one named Mary Lee…she sounds so lonely Aslan…she’s probably not even an aunt you like, but she sounds so lonely! i dont like to be rude you know that, right? i dont like to leave people broken or sad, Aslan…you know that, right? it is an impossible situation…that sense of “shut up and run!” vs the never wanting to see others unhappy…and her pleas and her stories sound so lonely and broken..she’s not getting it! she offered to let us stay with her…even if we werent family (i know…yes, my gut was telling me nothing is for free…there was a catch, i’m sure…was the catch some unique family dynamic that i’m wholly unaware of that i would be stepping blindly into?)  you know me…i DONT intrude where i dont belong…i would never…but it was a place to stay…a place with a roof, Aslan…i’d never do that to you…but still …it was a place to live…someplace outta the rain and mud …no…i know…a trap no matter what i do. she just sounded so lonely…i tell her she can say nothing you. i pleaded with her to say nothing to anyone…i just try to be an ear because she sounded so desperate and lonely.

but my first and last thoughts are always of you, Aslan…i never wanted you hurt! nothing done intentionally to hurt you. i just thought if you didnt speak to me anymore than you could honestly tell them, if they ever asked, “i dont speak to her anymore”…tell them what i tell them …i’m nothing.

but that’s not true…i need to fix everything so that i cant hurt you at all!

 

oh God please..hear my prayers…

i dont want to be in love with Aslan anymore…please??

i dont want to dream of him or Lilly anymore…please. those nightly dreams of his voice as i lay all alone in the rain and Lilly’s lil curls…they hurt so much.

i dont want to dream at all. i dont want to love anyone anymore please…

i only fell in love with him…he never loved in return…i was always less than nothing in his eyes.

please…i dont want to love him anymore…i dont want to miss him in the night

i dont want to remember him or Lilly, please???

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